Wednesday, January 8, 2014

that time when my kid made me look like a word that rhymes with four

This quilt has nothing to do with the blog post...I just needed a pretty first picture.
Please excuse me as this is the SECOND TIME I am writing this. I finished my first blog post and then tried to insert a picture and that's when blogger decided to brain fart and it froze. I couldn't even get a screen shot because the "insert picture" window was covering about 7/8 of my writing...and for some reason (because it's me and everything hates me right now) NOTHING SAVED. You know how every so often it automatically saves? Not this time. I feel so defeated right now it's not even funny. Well it's kind of funny. No it's not. This is right up there with getting hemorrhoids after having a baby. It's that serious people. (not that I know anything about that I've just heard from friends)
UGH.
I was supposed to have this all done and written up a few days ago so I could just wrap up and hit "publish" the minute I did a once over after the kids headed back to school. But that's not happening. This never ending winter vacation made even longer because of "snow days" has obviously taken it's toll on me and I'm extra saucy. Add a blog post kerfluffle and well now you have this. It aint pretty.
We are on day 19 of kids being home....in a freaking row. This once spacious enough for us home feels like a small cave enslaving us...This morning promised to be the same thing of "Mom, who can I play with." "Mom, I'm bored of coloring, crafting holiday crafts, helping you in the kitchen, cleaning my room, reading my books, watching you go crazy...can I play video games?"
And then always my favorite "MOM! He's breathing annoyingly!"  MOM! She's looking at me weird!"  "MOM! JUST GET US ALL WHAT WE WANT AT THE SAME TIME SO WE ARE ALL HAPPY AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT GIVE US ALL AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR SOMETHING AND WE WILL ALL LEAVE YOU ALONE!"

As tempting as that sounds. I'm gonna have to go with "UH, no."
And I'd like for it to be known that it was around day 19 when I lost my mind, but that I gave it my all till the end. (kidding, I have a few more days in me and yes, YES, I know one day I too will miss these days. I just wish it was today that I missed it... again, again I kid) .saucy.

Anyways, I did get friends for my kids to play with so I had a little bit of time while my house got trashed, that I was able to write my hilarious (to me now) encounter...but as I already whined in the beginning of this blog post. It went POOF...and I went "swear word" and now here we are again.

I'll get on with it and hopefully I can write it like I did the first time if not better because people it was freaking hilarious.

So this is a story about the time I took my third noisemaker with me somewhere only to have it be the last time I promised to take him anywhere ever again....
This is my third noisemaker.

So I sell patterns. Yeah yeah, I know you know.
I am grateful for the sales of my patterns, it helps me to buy fabric which then helps me to create things again to create new patterns to sell, which helps me to buy more fabric. And hence helps with the ongoing vicious cycle. YAY! Anyways, with said sales I often times have to make trips to shipping stores. They know me there.
My UPS store I frequent knows me pretty well. Well sort of well. Okay so they see me drop off packages and we joke about the crazy weather or what not...and I come off as a mom who works from home. Pretty good on the surface acquaintances. Nothing too scary...till I had one of my kids with me and he made me look like I was a professional you know what. Or in other words:
"That one time when my kid made me look like a word that rhymes with four." other names for this profession:  streetwalker, lady of the night, someone that stands on the corner and waits for business, or a floozy.
Know what word i'm talking about now?
Yeah that one.

My third noise maker is a happy child, most of the time. He's usually in LALA land and comes to reality when he's hungry or wants something. Other wise he's playing with legos, reading a book, wanting to play video games, or climbing something. The kid is all over the place, but generally speaking he's an easy going happy child...who sometimes speaks in riddles. I don't know how else to describe it other than sometimes you're scratching your head going "wait what?" till the kid then explains what he's thinking. To which we usually all end up going "Ohhhhh. I get it, yeah makes sense."

So this one time I needed to go to the UPS store and for some reason it was just he and I on this errand. When we got to the UPS store...said child chuckled and said "The "ups" store. Do the send everything "up"?"
I smiled at him. Like to say "haha, you are funny."
"Okay all we have to do is get this package in there and drop it off and then we can leave."
"Okay...hey do you think we need to look "up" when we get in there?" hehehe he cracks himself up. (I never claimed that he was funny.)
I roll my eyes and we go inside,

When we enter the store, I get in line behind the only other person in there. I check my package to make sure everything is okay, everything looks good. So efficient I am! (I apparently speak yoda whenever I feel cocky)

We move to the front of the line and nice UPS gentleman says "Well, well! Another package I see! Going to so and so place, weighing in at so and so lbs..."

I look down at the child and notice he's off in that special place all the while staring "up"...cause we're in the "ups" store of course.

"Yep, just one today!"

"Oops looks like you missed one signature right here."
He pushes it towards me, someone walks in to stand in line behind us.

I reach over get a pen, and start signing my signature...

Then all of a sudden my son comes out of wherever he is tugs on my shirt and says "I have three dads."
whaaaaaaa the???
I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of signing my name...and it's dead silent.
The man behind me has stopped moving all together, perhaps he's stopped breathing...the nice UPS gentleman stopped in mid taping of a package...and all I can hear is my heart beating in my ears...
And then he said it again "Mom, I have three dads."

I slowly look up at the nice UPS gentleman and he's staring looking over his glasses at me with one eyebrow clear up his forehead and his mouth half dropped open.
His hands still hovering over the package with the tape in his hands. As if saying "Oh, well then...I see..."

I smile with a haha kids look...and then look down with the same painted on smile and through clenched teeth say to my child who I'd like to pummel "You only have one dad, silly. hahahaha...ahem."
Man it's hot in here...
The third noisemaker answers matter of fact "Nope I have three dads."
The nice UPS gentleman clears his throat...
And i'm like



this can not be happening...Is.this.happening? It must have happened because it feels like everything is going in slow motion, and the walls are caving in...and did someone TURN ON THE FREAKING HEAT IN HERE???

I finish my signature, and push the package back to the nice UPS gentleman and I say "That about takes care of it right?"
He answers back "That'll get er done."
OH MY GOSH DID HE JUST SAY "THAT WILL GET HER DONE"? OR "THAT WILL GET IT DONE"???
ALL we had to do was get in, drop off, and get out. GET IN, DROP OFF, GET OUT....GET OUT oh my gosh I have to get out!
I say thank you with my head down grab the child's hand that is going to lose his life soon, and walk past the man that has given me ample amount of space and is hiding behind his package to ward off any evil viruses or whatever that I might give him from being too close to him...
We walk out and get to the car.

A sigh of relief...Holy mother of all that is good.

I open the car door still shaking my head trying to figure out what in the world just happened...the third noisemaker starts to get in and I have to ask...
"Seriously? THREE DADS? I don't get it."
He looks at me innocently and smiles and as he's buckling in says "Yeah, I have ONE DAD, and TWO granDADS...that makes three DADS. Can we go get pizza now?"



And just like that it made sense and I said "Ohhh I get it. huh." And no one was around to hear the explanation to the riddle but me... and then I got in the car and that was coincidentally the same day I looked to see where the next closest UPS store was, cause I wasn't going to go back to that one like ever.

ps: thanks for the word of encouragement. life is good. ;)

39 comments:

Lorna McMahon said...

Ah, yes... Krazy kids... Snow days. I hear you and feel your pain.

Cherree said...

Hilarious, kids will do it to you every time, mine are all grown up and still get a kick out of embarrassing me in public. But we love them anyway. Happy New Year

Gene Black said...

Too funny. I would say that kid would start to get left home a LOT.

jrelfoswald said...

truly---thanks for sharing. You are an entertaining writer. Plus it brought back a lot of memories.

trish said...

Oh my gosh Vanessa! Still laughing! :o)

mascanlon said...

At least he doesn't do it on purpose....lol! Well maybe he does and it's part of the evil plot to get his hands on electronic devices! hope the snow days are over soon!

KaHolly said...

That is just too funny! Thanks for sharing and starting my day off with a laugh!

Laura Fedewa said...

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Ok I had to get that out, because that my friend was funny and I am not going to lie I am glad that I was not in your shoes. That being said I have 6 kids, something like this is bound to happen to me yet......*sigh*

Jackie said...

Oh. My. Kids are freaking hilarious, right? My son comes up interesting things all the time and I have no idea what he is talking about until I get him to explain it. Poor kid. He must think his parents are dumb because we don't know what he is talking about sometimes. I think my son and your third noisemaker could be friends. They'd get each other.

charlotte said...

Kids...ya gotta love em. Art Linkletter used to have a talk show with a segment where he interviewed little kids and he called that segment "Kids say the darnedest things" and so they do. Keep your sense of humor. It will help with all the snow days.

Donna quilts said...

I really enjoyed reading your post - you had me laughing out loud!

Donna quilts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hereandelse.com said...

I am crying of laugh....OMG, your son is unique !!!!

Dairygal said...

I love the mini video clips. Don't worry, the UPS guys get plenty of stories. (I am sure there is at least one of me, opening my door, thinking I was looking normal, only to get a mumbled, "Have a nice day" and quick turn-around. I looked down, and the baby had pulled my nursing top all the way down, ALL The WAY! So there I am on my door step, with my purple nursing bra and gray tank-top pulled down to revile my new-mom cleavage. It was great. And I have no choice, he comes to my door every week. I think i put a sweatshirt on (in the middle of July) the next time.
So just go back in, with your head held high, and ship again. You can do it!

katie z. said...

Long story but... My baby had an ear infection. In order to get him into the doctor, a teenage boy who was living with us had to pick up my daughter from prek and bring her to the doctor. When he came in, he checked that he had come to the right place. The receptionist then looked at my daughter and said, "oh, is this your daddy?" To which she replied, "Nope, just a friend." Apparently, that led to certain assumptions, as the stink eye persued both of us out the door when I left!

QuiltSwissy said...

I think you win. The post office I no longer go to is the one in front of which I slammed my fingers in the door only to drop the keys that opened the door. I could not reach the keys on the ground with my fingers Stuck in the top of the door (killing me, I might add).

Finally a nice older woman helped me, I am sure everyone else was too busy rolling on the floor with laughter!

Lo said...

This is hilarious, and brings back memories of when mine were small. One evening while walking through the grocery, my husband asked our 4 yr old, "What did you learn at preschool today?". She took a deep breath and yelled, "HE'S NOT MY DADDY!" Turned out that a police officer had visited preschool that day to talk about "stranger danger" and what to do if someone tried to abduct them. It's funny now, but we had some explaining to do at the time! ;)

sonia said...

This is so funny. And the comments!!! LOL

rhia schaudt said...

in our house, we have a hefty baseball bat hanging by our bedroom door. the kids call it the "intruder bat," because i grab it when i need to go investigate any bumps in the night. during my 11-year-old's last parent/teacher conference, his teachers had only good things to say, including that he's an excellent writer, but they were concerned about some of his content. he apparently wrote a story about his grandmother being nearly bludgeoned to death by his mom. he had exaggerated an incident where i'd forgotten that his grandma was coming over super early one morning to babysit them, so when i heard someone trying to open the door, i grabbed the bat and made it to the front door just as she got it open. it gave her a fright, but there was certainly no bludgeoning. i'm not sure my explanation made it any better.

Marsha said...

You are so funny. I sure enjoy everthing about your blog. You make me laugh which is a good thing. Keep on being you.

Marsha

marshabstevens@gmail.com

Nana-Bob said...

Love it! Love your story and incidentally, I am a third child too. ;)

Shalini said...

Love your stories, :-D
Happy New Year.
Warmly,(and it really is warm here in Singapore) ;-)
Shalini

Bethany M said...

Oh my goodness. That was a good story. Thank you for making me smile. Also, your writing is so read-able. I feel like I could read a novel or memoir about you!!!

Brandy Pettit said...

Hee hee, oh I wish you were coming into our store, one of us would've totally asked your son to explain, or if you'd gotten my sister, she probably would've seen the connection right away and saved you all that embarrassment! (Of course, we're in Walla Walla, WA, so not much chance we'll see you, but you never know!) Hahaha, oh man, I hope you're kids get back to school soon so you can maintain some sanity.
~Brandy

Grete said...

Ahhhh- Vanessa - thanks for making me start my day with a good laugh. Happy New Year :o) Grete

Granny Maud's Girl said...

So funny. Thank you for sharing. Would kids be as much fun if they didn't say just whatever popped into their heads?

Sarah @ sarahquilts.com said...

Oh my goodness. Thanks for typing that twice. Made my morning!

My husband and I still laugh about your church bathroom story. :)

Stephanie said...

So sorry. But funny. I love that you added Castle too! You have a great sense of humor!

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Betty65 said...

Oh to be a young Mom again. Out of the mouth of babes.

Lisa E said...

I am now inspired to begin some Yoda speak. Of course it would be better if I had the accent down... Enjoyed your post!

Jen Benson said...

Kids say the darndest things =)

Angela said...

So funny! I love hearing the great things that kids come up with.

I totally understand your frustration with blogger. I almost gave up blogging when my husband told me about Windows Live Writer. I have not had any issues fighting with blogger since then. Good luck in the future!

Karrie S said...

I had my daughter young. When my daughter was in the 4th grade, my sister was a student teacher in a different class at school. My daughter has always liked adults better, and one day at recess she proceeded to tell the story of her life: My mom was (this age) and my dad was (this age) and they got together and BOOM I came out of my Mom! I was told the teachers tried not to burst out laughing, and had a big laugh about it later. My sister was there (thank God) and told my daughter she should probably keep that one to herself. I would have never had known that if my sister wasn't there. I used to hear about all the goofy things she would say to the teachers. They loved her. Now she is 17, and all grown up. She still has the ability to surprise adults with what she says. The funny thing is that she doesn't even try to do it on purpose.

elizabeth said...

:)

Anonymous said...

Love it!

Noisemaker #3 sounds like my "little" brother. He's he smartest person I know and just retired from a successful and happy career. But his jokes aren't any better.

Sara said...

Thanks for sharing...I needed the laugh. Everyone's home today and it's freezing. I live in WI...a transplant from AL. I just keep reminding myself about how nice the summer will be.
I'm glad I stopped by today to get a laugh and be reminded that I need to get to work on my hounds tooth quilt.

Anonymous said...

I get that this is intended as a light little story about your kids saying some pretty funny things, but did you really have to put bit in there about the UPS guy acting like he was going to catch something off you? I'm a s*x worker (the term most of us prefer, rather than the one that rhymes with four) and a quilter, and it just really depressed me reading through my favourite blogs and seeing something which reminded me that a lot of people still think I'm an inherently bad person, probably riddled with disease because of my profession. I don't intend this to attack you - I'm sure you didn't write the post hoping to upset anyone! Just more of a gentle reminder that your readers might include people who do the same work I do, or whose kids have had three Dads and that isn't something they should be made to feel ashamed of.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that laugh out loud blog post. I needed it :)

Blog Widget by LinkWithin