Tuesday, March 26, 2013

V and Co: in the mens room

taken at the botanical gardens in Cleveland Ohio

there are times while in the middle of a situation that the thought crosses my mind: "this is going to make a great blog post when i have a little bit of time to forget the traumatizing feelings i am experiencing and it actually becomes kind of funny."
i had one of those situations just recently. and apparently its been made fun of in my family enough that i am now laughing about it as well.
so here's a little story.
the story about when i got stuck in the mens room for what felt like an eternity.

our family went on a mini vacation. we went to see some historical sites, and an art museum and then we hit up a botanical garden. all good fun was had, but these are not the situations i am talking about.

no, it happened on a sunday. we located and went to church services...apparently we feel no need to miss a church day even while on vacation. go us! we got our kids all situated in their sunday classes, the husband and i in ours. i, for one sunday, did not have the responsibilities i normally have every sunday for my own congregation. it was...nice to sit and relax and be taught to.
about 45 minutes into the lesson i look up and through the little window i see the sunday school teacher for the little kids flagging in my general direction. i look at her and make eye contact and she mouths "yeah you." but with a smile.
oh poop.
i get up and walk out.
she says with the nicest voice and huge sincere smile and eyes "oh, your little guy is crying in the bathroom. im so sorry!"

mom instinct takes over my body and i thank her and immediately run in the general area of where he is. i pause for a second as i realize the door is being held open to the mens bathroom by another little 9 year old boy and i enter as he says "he's crying. i think he said his stomach hurts but i can't understand him cause he's crying." i thank the little boy as i pass him, and he stands guard at the bathroom door for me.

i knock on the stall and my little guy whimpers while opening the stall gives me the saddest look and says
 

 "mom? i had an accident." and again the tears threaten to spill over.

i tell him "no worries we'll get you cleaned up and on your way back to the class in no time." huge smile. "i've got this, and it's not a big deal." yep. great mom moment cataloged for me.

and we do just that. we get him all cleaned up. as i turn around to pick up the dirty underwear to be thrown away, and make sure we've cleaned everything up, my little guy leaves the stall, washes his hands and....WALKS OUT. like super fast flash. i've never seen him move that fast. with the other boy perhaps? i dont know. but i turn around and right as i walk out of the stall from the corner of my eye i see some man facing the wall and going pee. i GASP, and put my hand over my mouth to catch any noise i'm about to make and quickly back into the stall lock it, and do what every respectable human being would do:

i quietly freak out and start waving my arms and yelling in my head "OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh... OH.MY.GOSH." and then i whisper "seriously? this can not be happening."
apparently classes had let out. and if i thought one man in the mens room was bad having a whole slew of men needing to go to the restroom was worst.
and that's what happened.
it went from bad to worse in seconds.

what in the. seriously? what did i do to piss off the gods and make this happen. it was my "I'm such a great mom moment i had just a few seconds ago wasn't it?
whatever the case, i had to assure that i was not noticed and had to make some life decisions and fast.

i could:
a.) call and walk and freak everyone the *swear word* out in mid stream as i run out...no thanks.
b.) call out and say please get out because i'm stuck in here and don't want to hear anymore about your guy's past weekend plans or that you had to fix your car's tires, and i really just want to forget this all happened."...nope.
c.) climb on the toilet so no one sees my cute high heels (seriously they were cute, but nothing a man would be caught dead wearing. well, maybe some, but i have too small of feet to have mens feet.)
hmmm what if i fall in the water? i don't want to ruin my shoes...so no go on that.

well that just left option:

d.) stand behind the toilet in the corner so the toilet hides my feet and close my eyes and mentally cry out to the heavens above to make this situation end and soon and with no more further embarrassment of someone finding me.

as i stood there i kept thinking. this.is never going to end.
things
got
worse.
apparently my son upon realizing that i wasn't right behind him when he left the bathroom, decided to wait for me outside in the hallway, and his MALE teacher came out to look for him to see why he hadn't gone back yet to the sharing time of sunday school that was about to start. when he kept telling him that "my mom is in the men's bathroom." the teacher came in with him and i heard my kid whisper "she's in there."
i mentally was screaming
NO NO NO!!!! WHY ME?!!!!
i would have come out except i knew there was a guy in mid stream in the next area. cause i could hear him peeing and i saw his shoes.
the teacher hesitantly said
"well, i don't think i see anyone in there...and you are doing okay now right?"
and my son answered "yeah." and then they left.
i was like "oh yeah who's a bad A now?! i totally positioned myself to hide behind this toilet LIKE A FREAKING PRO. booooyaaaa!"
wait i'm still stuck in the mens freaking bathroom.

oh and i stood there for what felt like an eternity. but was in actuality a total of 15 minutes.

then finally, FINALLY i heard the sweet sound of silence as everyone was heading to the next set of classes, and i counted to ten and RAN AS FAST AS I COULD OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
i serioulsy felt like i won!

what? i don't know but i WON DANG IT!!
i calmed myself down found my husband, sat down next to him and he was like "where have you been?"
and i was like "oh my GOSH! you would NOT believe what happened to me!" all in a whisper of course.
and as i told him the whole story in a high pitch whisper the husband looks at me and says one thing:

"only you."

yep. i guess.

and well now we have yet another "do you remember when mom..." story for the family history. booya.

52 comments:

CodynStacey said...

I cannot stop laughing. Seriously hilarious! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but it's so funny :) PS Where did you go on vacation?

Nicole A. said...

I love that you hid, I would have done the same thing. To funny! I don't comment often but love reading everything you write.

Claire said...

Classic but as a Primary School teacher who has had to enter the 'boy' toilets on many occasions to put a stop to peeing competitions etc etc, I would have just used my teacher voice and said 'boys, I'm coming through, put it away right now'. Works like a charm every time.

Sara Cecil said...

Awesome!!! First I think it's hilarious that even on vacation, you don't miss church (us either) and second, you totally deserve mom of the year award!

Sherri said...

I cannot even imagine! Hilarious now ... But wow !

Larissa@Just Another Day in Paradise said...

Holy CRAP! I am sorry...but I have NEVER laughed so hard in a post...not even one of yours.

I agree with Jake...only you.

Hilarious.

Ahh...still laughing...and now off I go to share the story with Spencer.

Lisa Merkley said...

Laughing. Like seriously laughing! So funny!

Dawn said...

Oh my gosh! I am laughing so hard I have tears! I love that your husband was so composed. And the "only you" part was so spot on! A great story to tell your great grand kids! Love it!

Judith said...

You just made my day !

JaneB said...

Laughing with you not at you . . You so totally DID WIN!!

Spoolhardy Girl said...

Hands down, that is the best story EVER! I would have died! What makes it even better is, it happened, I believe, in Cleveland! You were in MY town at MY art museum (How did you like the new wing? Did your kids do that super cool interactive iPad thingamajig they have?) and MY botanical gardens (How 'bout those butterflies)! I hope your experience in the men's room doesn't mean you'll never want to return to the Greatest Location in the Nation!

trish said...

Oh Vanessa!! Woody and I had a good laugh. :0)
Thanks for sharing. Your stories have become
"Listen to what happened to Vanessa!" :0) hugs.

Gene Black said...

That is just a hoot! I almost spewed my morning coffee. I think you could write comedy.

Jennifer @ Ellison Lane Quilts said...

Vanessa that is hilarious and traumatizing at the same time! Thanks for sharing it with us!

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud. Read it twice because it was too funny. " My mom is in the mens bathroom" HAHAHAHA.

craftytammie said...

I once got locked in someone's RV with my crying 2 week old and a barking chihuahua named Taco. Hell on earth.

Gina S. said...

Made my morning! The pictures just make it even funnier! I'm glad to see that those kind of thing also happen to someone besides me. :)

melimba said...

This was the funniest post I've read in forever! You are a great writer... I felt like I was hiding behind the toilet with you! Haha! And the images were hilarious too! Haha!
I started following you a week or two again on instagram, and I'm totally sold on your blog. Sewing guru AND funny? Awesome.
Thanks for a great start to the morning!

Melissa Corry said...

I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself.

Jo C. said...

Hysterical! And at church of all places! I had a similar experience. My dad and i were at the hospital waiting for his appointment at the cancer center. He HAD to get to the bathroom quick. Since he was in a wheelchair, i had to take him. We wheel into the empty mens room, into a stall. After we finished his business, we're still in the stall...then i hear the tell tale sound of a guy at the urinal. I waited till the sound stopped then yelled, "girl in the bathroom"! Here we roll, out of the stall and the guy was laughing his head off! What a good sport! Of course, my dad was about to die of embarressment!

PearlsForMyGirls said...

Oh!! Too funny! Saying booyah at our house with an included fist bump is a regular occassion around our house -- glad to see it is still 'cool'. I will have to tell my husband ;)

Johanna said...

Love your blog posts! Not only do you keep it real, you have quite a way of telling the story! Perhaps you could start writing books too :)

Krissy said...

I am a new follower of your blog. I absolutely love that you posted this. I feel like I know you already because I could picture every moment of this story! Thanks!

Krista Hansen said...

So funny!!! And the pictures made it even better.

Denise in PA said...

Oh my goodness Vanessa, do I feel your pain! Something similar just happened to me in January - although your story is more horrific than mine. I was able to make my escape in 5-10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity when I was hiding in that stall! Hugs! o:)

QuiltSwissy said...

That is seriously better than frank tossing all the tupperware out Sunday night and leaving me with company coming to stay and no glasses to drink out of.

I have laughed all morning at you, I can SEE you in there hiding!

Angie from Dear Spring Green said...

Oh you make me laugh! Thank you for sharing the crazy things that happen in your life!

bdaiss said...

Yup girl. Only you. Loved it! Thanks for the giggles!

Nicole said...

We are expecting our first boy and I can totally see that happening...they are going to use the girls bathroom forever!!!

April said...

You are so FUNNY! That happened to my Mom one time (a minister's wife). We were camping and she went into the showers. She heard someone in one of the shower rooms and asked if the water was hot (sometimes campgrounds don't have hot water). She heard a deep voice reply, "Sure is!" I still laugh when I think of my ever so sweet Mama doing that!

Books_Bound said...

I love your blog because 1) this kind of stuff happens to you, and 2) you actually blog about it. Great stuff! And hey, since you were visiting, even if someone say you bolting out of the restroom, they'll never know who you were. :)

Heather K. said...

Hilarious story! Thanks for sharing. I have three boys and it makes me feel good to know that other mother's go through similar uncomfortable situations!

Mindy said...

Laughing. So. Hard!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, that is so hilarious! That sounds like something that would happen to me. Thanks for sharing!

Stephanie said...

That was great!!! Not because you had one of the most traumatic moments (well 15 minutes) of your life - but because we all know just how human and REAL you are. Thanks for your blog and a reminder that "rock stars" of the quilting world live real lives with real TRAUMA!!!!!!

Amy Lynne said...

Seriously, you are the best!! What moms do for their kiddos!

baju kaos distro online said...

Looks really nice your post! :-) love the first pic, thanks for sharing!

Jennifer said...

oh wow. That's such a great story!

Shalyse said...

Holy cow Vanessa!! That is the best story ever. Way to go!! You so rock!

kathy said...

That story made my night! I thought I was the only one that had things like this happen to her. You are a good mom for both saving the day and providing such entertainment for the family! The pictures you added are classic!

Sarina said...

I'm so sorry! On the bright side- you're teaching your kids that crazy things can happen to us in life, we live through them, can laugh at them later, and still be awesome and confident in who we are! I love that you're even awesome and confident enough to share with all of us!

Lisa E said...

Seriously freaking funny! This beats your sledding-down-the-hill-face-plant-story! I'm glad you can laugh at it now.

Anna and Sarah said...

Love your reverse hopscotch quilt! We followed your blog...please follow us back. Please. quackadoodlequilt.blogspot.com Thanks!

Kim-the-girl said...

As I was reading (and laughing like crazy!) my husband was wondering what was going on... I asked if he wanted to hear the story, so I start and he says, "Who?" So I tell him, "my dear friend, Vanessa" Because I feel like we're friends even though we've never met. You are such a gifted writer!! To say nothing of all your other gifts, ninja bathroom hiding skills and all!

Amanda Jillian B said...

Hahaha! Awesome! Just pure awesomesauce.

Amy said...

That is so funny and I can absolutely see something like that happening to me!!!

Rebecca Grace said...

Oh, my! I can't believe you hid in the stall that long! You poor thing. I want to say "it could have been worse," but I really can't imagine how! ;-)

Jo Somerville said...

Oh this brings back memories of last Christmas…At the local Christmas carols. My daughter and I, unknowingly went to the men's room (carols were held in the carpark of a local factory, the sign only said toilet) thankfully we shared a stall because we had not been in there a millisecond when the band stopped playing and used the facility!! Trying to stop from laughing as we hid and waited for the silent 'all clear' only to pass another band member walking in as we ran out!!!

The Yoder's Four said...

This sort of things happens to me ALL THE TIME. I'm not sure what I've ever done to deserve it, but seriously. I had a similar incident occur with my son + poop + public bathroom on Thanksgiving that resulted in him not being able to wear pants during the feast. But at least we were in the ladies room.

Pinky said...

Ha ha ha :) As much as I don't want to laugh at your unfortunate event, I have to say a little part of me is kinda thrilled that I'm not the only one that this kind of thing happens too!!!!

My fiancee always says it could only happen to me too!

:)

Mike and Shayla said...

Thanks for the laugh! I love how you write.

Katie said...

hahaha!! love this story! "only you"
Glad you were able to come to the Cleveland area...(We've enjoyed living close to the church sites.)

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