|no need to cry over spilled milk|
i think it started with having a 4 day weekend this last week. it got me off my groove. i was always a day behind. i was thinking it was wednesday and really it was thursday.
what??? where did that day go, oh yeah, that's right my monday started on tuesday.
but i'm a mom, i'm supposed to roll with the punches, i eat chaos for breakfast!
not so much.
i wonder why some weeks are like that.
seriously, anyone have the answer? aside from cloudy days, hormonal imbalances, and blah de be blah blah...why is it that some weeks we have SO much on our plate, and yet we can still take motherhood, career, household schedules, school, extra curricular activities, eye doctor appointments, "honey i forgot ...so can you bring me"'s, and all the other little things that happen daily by the horns and say "YES! I JUST HANDLED THAT!" you walk away feeling like you could chew through leather if you were asked to.
|yes, that's me making fun of myself two days ago|
i started writing daily lists:
i have one for work related deadlines
and i have one for daily household and family necessities.
funny how a stupid little box where i can place an "X" inside of it can make me or break me somedays.
this week those "X"s haven't been happening.
i feel like life is so SO fast.
always rushing to finish something. just to get to the next thing.
last night after a day of feeling like i've failed to use my time wisely every single moment of the day...
i was getting super frustrated with my youngest noisemaker. she's stubborn. cute as all get out, stubborn as you know what. she refused to do something for school. or rather was saying she didn't know how to do it. i just wanted to get the homework done so i could move on to cleaning up the dishes...and check up on spelling for the third noisemaker, tell the 2nd noisemaker to make more noise with the cello for practice, and check up on the oldest one to make sure he's still on task to finish coloring in his geography map...
my eldest son can write a book on being stubborn, and as he passed by (apparently he wasn't on task) and he was listening to my struggle with katie, he stopped and said "maybe i can help, mom."
i walked away with hands up in the air, and headed to the sink to clean the dishes. but i heard him talk to her.
he talked to her about how hard it is to let go sometimes and do what you are supposed to do, when you resist school things, kids make fun of you, and teachers don't know you are learning stuff. and a lot of people get upset. he ended with "i know katie, because i do that a lot. but i'm trying not to do that now."
i wanted to cry.
he then proceeded to work with her on the numbers sheet.
and i wanted to cry again.
they worked on it for 20 minutes.
my 12 year old, the one that i have cried in frustration and in anxiousness for his well being, was showing characteristics of a loving, selfless, individual wanting to help his youngest sibling out.
i have to admit, i've not written much on "hard" motherhood lately. but i'm going to break my rule of not talking about too emotional stuff on here.
my eldest son, is amazing.
oh he's still a goofy pre-teen, still makes me raise my voice and ask "seriously?". basically he's still a normal kid. but amazing none the less.
i have struggled with him so much leading up to this point. we've clashed we've fought, i've been placed on my knees in prayer more for that kid than anything else in my life.
i'm not going to rehash how hard it was during my husband's deployment, or the struggles of moving so much in a short period of time and how it affected my then small child. all you need to know is it affect our whole family, but my 12 year old took the brunt of it emotionally. he held a lot on his shoulders.
i think of all the struggles my 12 year old (almost 13!) has gone through up to this point and know it has matured my son into a much better person than i could have ever asked for, he surpasses me on empathy, and he surpasses me in knowledge of dealing with personal hurt, and struggles with school.
it's true you do not experience true love, willing to sacrifice everything kind of love, till you have a child who is going through some kind of horribleness, whether it is emotional, physical, or a mere pain of learning of life's lessons. there were many times i would cry just wanting to take away all the weight he had to deal with. i would plead, beg, make deals, anything to take away some of those struggles when we were in them.
this year...he's been surprising me throwing me curve balls with how he can be such an amazing individual, taking responsibility, running after and inviting to stay a kid at church who always likes to slip away before anyone says anything to him, giving me a smile of appreciation and pausing to tell me thank you for the socks in his drawers and the lunch in my hand to give him as he walks out the door to catch the bus, hearing his teachers at school saying: "he is such a great kid, so kind and really wanting to do well."
and last night, watching him, my life made sense for that little bit in an otherwise wasted day in my eyes. he's going to be a great older human being. and i'm so happy to call him mine. i can't take responsibility with how he turns out completely. he ultimately makes his own life. but let me tell you. so far what i'm seeing. brings tears to my eyes and makes me so so tired to think of the years leading up to that moment. but yeah.
not much got "X"d off my list this week. but last night i did go to bed with a full heart, and appreciation for trials in our life to experience these happy moments.
have a wonderful weekend. i'll be over here putting out fires and building some other ones.