Tuesday, May 3, 2011
i'm having a really hard time not being able to plan after this month.
do you ever just say out loud "why can't we just get what we want?!"
yeah i said that.
and the minute i said it i felt guilty. so dang guilty.
i was so focused on one thing...not knowing where we're going to be after may 31st. not knowing is harder for me than doing and going through something hard. is it like that for anyone else?
for example when jake was getting ready to deploy, the not knowing how it was going to be without him was harder than actually doing a year long span of time without him. well, not really, but i feel like i was more anxious over not knowing what it was going to be like and i worked myself up into a tissy before he left. while he was gone we struggled (with my oldest son mainly) but we did it.
yeah, the unknown is harder for me.
and the minute i said it, the next thought was "but you've been given so much."
then i listed all the things that i get on a daily basis that i take for granted. like(just a few but not all!):
-we're healthy and we've never been hungry.
-we have enough to suffice our needs.
-we've planned for unexpected emergencies and are reaping in those blessings.
-my oldest child is doing so well compared to what we were going through a few months ago and leaps and bounds to what he was going through 3 years ago.
-my three other children are happy and doing well
-we are happy.
-we have each other.
-my spouse walks with me
-my spouse makes me laugh
-my spouse loves me and comforts me and makes fun of me so i can make fun of myself and then i can laugh about it.
-we have a second home we can stay in (and half the mortgage payment!) than this house which is in the works of being sold. (yet another blessing)
-thankfully we just moved into this house 6 months ago and i dejunk on a regular basis so packing is going really fast and easy.
-we have options...we just are waiting to see what, where, and with who is the best option.
so yeah. i need to just let go. i need to let go of my personality flaw of needing to know, needing to schedule, needing to plan.
so if you don't mind i'm going to rock myself into a little corner and keep telling myself over and over and over again "i don't need to plan." till i actually start believing it.
ps i am working on another project. so hopefully i'll get that out and posted before market...(ah! next week!)