Wednesday, June 2, 2010

a series of unfortunate events: chapter 2

find part one here
part 2 of 3.
"you okay?" the husband asks as he picks me up from the passenger pick up zone.
"no, but i will be. this will be funny someday i swear."
"you look..." he looks at me and decides to forgo the rest of the comment that will surely get his life taken away from him.
"hmmm okay well, are you traveling home tonight? it's kind of late."
i have three more hours of drive home from the airport without the husband...he was doing army stuff for 10 more days, and with all the kids that had spent a whole 5 days with "sugar grandma".she thinks everything is better with sugar.
"no, i'll stay the night. then we'll leave early in the morning so the kids can make it to school a little late."

and so things go to plan.
and i thought" okay that was unfortunate about the trips home but we can move on."
yeah right.

we get boys to school and katie wants a bath. i want a shower.
we have enough hot water for one bath.
then the water goes luke warm and then to freezing.
"what the...why?"
i let it sit for half a day thinking "okay maybe it didn't have time to fill up or something."
i don't know, i'm not the one who knows all that crap.

by the end of the day nothing. still cold.
next morning i call the husband leave a voice mail. he gets back to me by around 4 pm.
"well you are going to have to reset itvand then have to probably empty it...blah blah blahblahbladeebeblah blah..."
my eyes glaze over. "uh huh."
"vanessa did you get all that?"
"nope, but you can give me step by step as we are on the phone right?"
"sigh okay."
"but i got the first thing down, i'll call you right back."

and we got off the phone.
and i went and started to unscrew the cap on the drain valve, that was first right? "hmm okay well anyways after i get the cap off i'll call him back."
but it wont budge. hmmm weird.
i get a wrench to unscrew it.

they the next set of events happen in FAST FORWARD motion.

the cap, before i can unscrew it anymore, makes a hissing noise, pops off and shoots like a bat out of hell, pings and ricochets off of five different surfaces, and lands who knows where because i'm now focusing on the ton of water spraying out at me and on all over the pantry and now starting to flood like the titanic my laundry room and seeping into the kitchen.
image of me when the cap ricocheted off and the water started spraying everywhere.

i manage to get the phone somehow.
dial redial and continue to squeal yell and cry into the phone.
"what's going on?! what happened?!...
VAN.ESS.A. i can not understand a single word that you are saying. slow down. what is that horrible loud noise? are you taking a bath?"

me:
"WATER.EVERYWHERE.CAN'T.STOP.IT.FLOODING."
kids walk in from outside to see what the commotion is all about. oldest son yells "MOM! what'd you do?!!!"

the husband:

"oh dear heavens what'd you do? turn off the valve on top! turn off the valve on top!!!!"

"EVERYONE stop yelling at me!!!"
as aprox 80 gallons of water is shooting out of this thing and i feel like i'm in the titanic i try to turn the shut off valve that hasn't been touched since the last time my husband did something with the water heater and can i just mention he seals peanut butter lids and sippy cup lids with an iron grip so you could only imagine what the valve is like.
i can't budge it...at all.
i hang up the phone in all the commotion, and i take off my shirt to try to get a better grip on the shut off valve.

i finally stop the water. well the water that was shooting out of the broken valve. the water works are in full swing out of my eyes.

i look around at the damage. my laundry room and kitchen are covered in 2 inches of water. a granola bar floats by as i hit the redial button.

"did you turn it off? vanessa, honey, it's okay...no it's not your fault, well it might have been your fault...no that's not what i meant... but lets talk about what happened."

i replay the incident play by play. between sobs and gasps for air. apparently the pressure from the broken valve sent the cap flying, and the broken valve also made it that we didn't have any hot water either.
thank heavens it happened with me right there and not when we were all out of town blah de blah...

i get the head of the fire dept guy over (who also did our remodeling of the french doors the summer before, and who is also my handy man when the husband is gone.) who goes to the house of guy who owns the already closed store, who gets me a new valve, and all is well.
all he said was "you probably need a new water heater."

thank you captain obvious.

we say our good byes...

i go to check the dryer so i can start cleaning up and fold up some laundry and try to get some kind of order in our lives.

only to discover that apparently one of my kids had a black crayon in their pant's pocket.

"you have got to be kidding me. of course."
i then spend two hours cleaning out the dryer drum with a magic eraser.
my dryer is still gray.

to be continued...
next and final chapter:
"my new $116 dollar pearls"

69 comments:

dana said...

haha. okay, it is funny to read. I'm sure it was not funny to live through. But I laugh at that turtle picture every time. So funny.

Blue Is Bleu said...

WOW. And here I thought your last installment was horrific enough. My middle sister once flooded the back balcony and kitchen because she decided to swop out the old washer with the new one... without turning off the water valve. Water. Everywhere. I had the pleasure of being present for the craziness so I can assure you it happens more than you think :)

Barb said...

Oh my goodness...these things always happens when the husband is away but....as my kids got older, they would just take over where my husband left off.....sorry for your series of events....hope you see a ray of sunshine somewhere.

corinnea said...

I feel for you, truly. My guy is retired now but back in the day with three young ones everysingletime he deployed something like this would happen. Every. Single. Time. I am laughing with you right now even if you can't cause one day it will make you smile that you were strong enough to take it every single time.

rachelmp said...

Oh, poor you. That's so much worse than the mouse dying behind the fridge that I am worrying about

Kristi said...

Not that it helps, but I'm gushing sympathy here! Hope the next installment ends well because you deserve some good times after all of that.

michele said...

ah V, and i thought i had a BAD day yesterday....reading about your "series of unfortunate events" puts it into perspective a bit for me :)

Jax @ AlyandAsh said...

Oh you dear sweet girl. Bad things come in threes so I surly hope the next post will be your last in this horrific series of events!

Jessica said...

OH MY GOSH! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Ugggggg! I hate to tell you this, but I'm so anxious to hear part 3! It's like reading such a suspense novel and can't wait to find out what happens next. Trust me, we have all be there. Yes, I think this will someday be a funny memory to look back on. I'm also hoping that part 3 has a happy ending!!!

Glenn Family Gardens said...

Ah that is a huge bummer but totally something I would/will do someday. I am so glad I am not the only one whose eyes glaze over when her husband tries to tell her how to do something. He seriously sounds like an adult from Charlie Brown anytime he tries to give me instructions...its not my fault!!!!

trish said...

OH my gosh Vanessa. Speechless. Truly. What a day you had! And you have a series? Oh boy! :o)

Kelly Ann said...

I promise not to laugh...really, I'm not laughing but dang if you could see me cracking up with my coffee in my mouth trying not to spray it all over the computer...sorry, didn't mean to laugh at your unusual situation..

Dara Lynn said...

Vanessa, life can be a challenge they say...and we know where they can take that!! My husband served in the military for 8 years and I know how it is to raise children, handle EVERYTHING , when they are deployed or gone on their exercises. I promise you...you will look back on this and giggle...I admit, I had to go get a tissue to wipe away tears from that picture of the turtle.

Amy said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry. When it rains, it pours, and husbands just can't see past how stupid we look and act to see the real problem! Many times I've growled at my husband when he says crazy things "in the moment" like "Why'd you do that?" or "What were you thinking?!" Obviously I don't know!!

Laree said...

Oh dear! I just want to give you a hug! What a nightmare!

Paula Lynn said...

Bless...your...heart.

Hang in there!

~april said...

i got super-anxious, just reading that! you poor girl! horrible. horrible. horrible.

Needled Mom said...

I'm not sure it will be funny someday!!!! We finally put a tankless water heater in a couple years ago due to so many disasters. We now have endless hot water on demand and LOVE it.

The Family of Three said...

Love the turtle! I've had a few of those. Real sucky! But we are all getting a lot of laughs over it!

Kelly O. said...

Oh I'm so sorry :(

Melissa Stramel said...

Darn you Vanessa Christenson! I was supposed to be getting some bookwork done before taking my kids to Bible school and instead I am sitting here laughing with you (at you?). You should write a book.

Larissa said...

I am sure glad that you can laugh about it now...I saw the whole thing play out in my head, and it sure did give me a giggle...I can just imagine the convo with hubby. Probably would have played out the same way here.

Marie said...

Ok, Do you know how HARD I am LAUGHING right now. You are Funny!

LeAnn said...

Oh gosh, I seriously had no clue about your crayon in the dryer (on top of everything else!!!) when I told about mine yesterday (in fact, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking "why did I even type that?" and was tempted to come back and delete it. lol

I hope that you have some good, boring days ahead!!!

Gordostyle said...

You poor thing! I hope your luck has turned around and that you can laugh about all of this now! Sending smiles!

elise said...

at least you remembered to put a shirt on before the fireman friend came, eh? you *did* remember a shirt, right? i kid.
i'm so sorry! hate water heater issues, sans husband.
hate to say that i'm looking forward to part 3, but....

Deanna said...

I am laughing so hard i've been sobbing for the last 20 minutes. Every time I think about that turtle, "Woosh!" another wave of tears...and I'm at work. People are starting to look at me funny.

Oh, goodness. Hope the $116 pearls is a good turn around for you, but if I know history, things come in threes...gearing up for the next installment!!!

mimi'sdarlins said...

Ok, this is too funny to read...I had to take a break and catch my breath, I'm laughing so hard...not at your misfortune, of course not that, but at the absurdity of the whole series of events, beginning w/ your soft drink splashing all over your designer blouse! I am awaiting part three w/ bated breath...hoping there is a happy ending to this fiasco :-)

Amanda said...

Bummer! I hate that whole, 'It comes in three's!" thing. When you are in the situation, it sometimes takes a long time to look back and laugh. Like when we hit Bambi's mom, when I was eight months pregnant, in the middle of nowhere. I still strongly dislike deer, and refuse to drive to Bear lake or Afton or anywhere that deer may roam at night. (Yes, I know it is silly, and limits my driving, but paranooid works for me) Also, sorry about the black crayon. My husband did that with CARS fruit snacks in his white church shirt. yea for a warm, sticky residue on everything!

Wendy_MT said...

uh, welcome home? Oh, but this hits my pity gland for you, but you make it so funny to read, I can't help but laugh. :) You have black crayon in dryer, I have green gum smeared in dryer from white work shirts my DH insisted he was and dry himself ... you can imagine. God Bless you, sweetie! Big hugs.

Krysta said...

Can I just say that I L.O.V.E. your blog. I have been reading you for a couple of years now. I love how you mix in your real life with all of your crafty things. It's so refreshing and real.

I'm sorry all of that has happened. It really does sound like a nightmare. You are so good to laugh about things afterwards.

Makell Wintle said...

That turtle picture is a hoot! I love it. Hopefully your having a better day. Make one of your noisemakers give you a massage. ;)

kiddlebug said...

That picture is HILARIOUS!!! You have managed to bring others laughter from your "unfortunate event".

trippingtiffies said...

oh you poor thing! I feel for you!

mom2three said...

I feel so much better about my own shenanigans.... like a couple weeks ago when my daughter projectile vomited all over the kitchen and I was already dressed for work, and instead of seeing how she was I jumped back to avoid the spray, then ran in another room so I could clean it up in my undies and not get my dress a mess, all the while yelling at my youngest "stay where you are! don't step in it!" and then about 10 min later ask the daughter, "are you OK?" Cuz I'm a great mom like that, always concerned with the kids.... thankfully my water heater seems to be in good working order and I'm not planning any plane trips, so at least I won't have your unfortunate events.... hope this week is better for you :)

Kari @ Ucreate said...

OH NO!!!

I hope you have a rockin' week next week to make up for all of this crap.

Anxiously awaiting the pearls nightmare!

Emily said...

That's awful! :(

On a happier note, you could probably win some kind of writing contest with your stories.

Deb C. said...

Yup.

Rachel said...

It always happens when the husband is away doesn't it:) I hope there is a silver lining in the works for you!

April said...

I've had those kinds of days. But the CRAYON in the DRYER??? Icing on the crap cake, I say.

UGH.

Though the turtle photo you've used in both posts is hilarious.

But it doesn't make me feel any less bad for you.

The Taggarts said...

oh dear!! oh my!!! you've had quite an adventure! When things go bad I swear all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks loose!

bdaiss said...

Oh man! I hate water heaters! They always go down and do that awful water everywhere thing at the MOST inopportune times. *hugs* and fresh squeegees for you. And a nice new water heater on the cheap hopefully. (Call your electric company - you can get rebates on new efficient ones!)

QuiltSwissy said...

Well, something right happened.....you found the perfect picture to go along with your story!

I have had a few of these days, like the one where my van was in the shop and when it came home it continued to start itself with no keys in the ignition and then the keys I had to have made by the dealership to get Frank's car out of the airport parking lot didn't work and I had to spend the night in the airport parking lot.....well that was before they arrested me for loitering.......

we should write a book
glen

Chicklette said...

Oh my gosh...I am totally laughing out loud right now!!!

Jessica Munk said...

Awe! Sad! Not laughing . . . "too soon, too soon"

Marylynn said...

Thanks for the good laugh! Though I'm sure you weren't laughing. Who is your handy man?

Lynsey said...

Sorry to hear about your unfortunate events! I just wanted to tell how great the favourite bag pattern was. I am still very much a beginner and this has been the first thing I have made all by myself! The pictures made the pattern so easy to follow. I will post a photo on your flicker page of my efforts!
Hugs Lynsey x

Kerstin said...

I'm sorry that I'm laughing so hard! I thought I was the only one that this crap happened to! I'm so glad you could share it, that means you must have survived it! Hang in there. Thanks for the afternoon laugh!!!

girlsmama said...

Are you laughing yet? I don't know if I would be. I might still be swearing. Not that I really do that. Ahem.

lisa said...

It makes me feel better to know that other's have these kind of days too . . . I hope it makes you feel better too!

Barb said...

AAARRRGH!!! Can we please fast forward to when this will all be funny?

Vanessa/NessieNoodle said...

okay, so I shouldn't be laughing, but this is bringing me to tears. Mostly because this is exactly something that I would TOTALLY do and since my name is also Vanessa I can hear my husband, saying my name in the exact same way your husband probably did... VAN. ESS. A.

oh and the sippy cup lid screwing on deal, what the heck men folk? can you NOT put it on there so tight I need a monkey wrench just to empty and wash the thing out, please honey?

I do hope things have turned around for the best after all of this!

amy smart said...

Oh you poor thing. At least it all makes for good blog posts, no? Still, probably not worth it though.

Water makes the biggest mess. We had a sprinkler pipe break and flood through a basement window right on top of my sewing desk. Yuck. Fortunately the machine was not there. But I had most of my fabric stash out drying on the back lawn.

artisania said...

*pat pat* there there, it's all over, I'm sure it'll all get better from here on out... Oh wait, did you say to be continued?

Dang girl. And here I was all envious of your trip to market, and getting to meet my towering buddy John, and schmoozing with all the big names in the quilting world. *sigh* Sometimes you can't win eh?

*hugs* I just recently found your blog and I love it. Sorry your life IS like the movie. I'm mourning the loss of your cardigan. That hits deep.

onlymehere said...

Okay, today I'm not laughing. This one almost made me cry. I could picture it all and the picture wasn't a happy one. Poor Vanessa. I feel bad for your husband to trying to talk you through it! On a good note though I'm glad you had good people around to help you. I'm almost scared to read the next installment...I hope things are looking better now.

Mama Sews! said...

oh dear heavens, I don't think I want to read part 3! The guilt I feel finding this so funny is almost too much for me. If it makes you feel any better at all, these type of things happen to me ALL the time!

Cindy said...

It's like i'm right there lol I also love the turtle picture... very appropriate. Hopefully, the sun will come out tomorrow....

ScrapHappenswithAngie said...

Wow. I know it sucks but you tell it so funny! I've been giggling the whole time because I always FREAK OUT and space and panic all when things are going horrible. So I'm with ya.

BTW, love the bag and I'm getting a sewing machine so I can make this!! haha!

Tess said...

Why did I keep seeing Lucille Ball in the back of my mind? Haa Haa I know, I know it;'s niot funny. So glad than that valve thingy didn't hit you. Take a deep breather now...

zarina said...

Well - we all have one of those days (well not that wet and black) but yes, we have one of thos. days

Devon! said...

i cannot imagine how horrific this must have been!! i totally freak out when things are out of control!
my husband is in the army too!!

Jane's Fabrics and Quilts said...

I know, I am sorry, I know I am not suppose to laugh but I just cannot help it, sounds like a Laverne & Shirley episode! remember bad things come in three you will be done for a while now!!

Carmen said...

Sorry but *giggle*. What a pain in the butt! I hope your misfortune is done for awhile, a LONG while!

L Johnson said...

This kind of stuff only happens to me when my fix anything hubby is out of town! I totally feel your pain!!! Your boys will soon be your lifesavers as they learn how all things work ;)

wilderlamb said...

Oh, the hot water heater. The love/hate relationship. I feel your pain!!!!

Tasha said...

No THAT is a horrible day. Hands down. I want to cry for you. Wow. NO FUN.

Lou Cinda said...

Oh Em Gee!! I am ROLLING here!! You are living MY life!!!!

Lou Cinda :)

Heather K. said...

Wow. I feel so sorry for you. I love your blog though and you had me cracking up. You are such a great writer that I felt like I was watching a comedy (although I'm sure it didn't feel like one). Sounds like a day I would have.

Becky said...

Oh Lordy. And you aren't a drinker are you? It may be time to start ;)

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