Friday, May 14, 2010

remote civil wars

we seriously need new pictures of us this was almost taken two years ago

so i don't know about you but my husband has some kind of weird attachment thing going on with the remote control.
for example as his butt is getting ready to hit the chair or bed the remote needs to be within range if not already in his hand. if even a nano second passes after his butt hits the chair/bed the panic sets in. there has been a time or two where i just stand and stare at him as the panic mode button is hit and the baseball hat flies off his head and falls to the ground, pillows are strewn about and a high pitch "where is it? VANESSA! where is it?!!!" which in our family the first thing that comes out of our mouths when someone asks where something is, is "did you check up your butt?" to which he answers "vanessa, i'm not joking." to which i answer back. "yeah neither am i." yes i know not the kindest thing to say...but funny.

well i've learned in our 12+ years of marriage that this pathetic ritual that happens every single night is just part of the man i married and love. and yes, i do the good wifely duties and LET him have the remote. it stays on his side of the bed, it stays in his hand while fast forwarding the commercials, and it stays in his lap nice a warm during the shows. basically i shut up and put up. because it makes my man happy.

every once in a while i get the honor of fast forwarding the commercials to which i usually get a scoff of "did you want to fast foward through the whole show." and i'm all "do you want to ever get lucky again?" but i just think that i don't saaaaay that. so i "good wifely" hand over the remote control and give all control back to where he THINKS it should go.

well everything changed just one week ago today.
let me set the scene:

the husband and i are in bed, i'm binding a quilt, the husband is adjusting the pillows ever so slightly so he can be in optimal relax mode.

the husband starts one of his shows and gives out a sigh of relief. i look up and look what's on roll my eyes and keep binding. knowing that he'll get to "our" shows after a few of his regular happy making shows.

in the middle of the show he stops it, starts fiddling with the remote and i look up.

just in time to watch in slow motion as he had hit "select all" and was ready to hit "delete".

as i yell in slow motion mind you "WHAT IN THE...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!"

to which he turns to me in slow motion and yells back "WHAT IN THE...WHAT AM I DOING?!!!
CANCEL!!! CANCEL!!!!"

we stare at eachother and stare at our now completely empty DVR'd section (and i should note that we had a weeks worth because we didn't get to sit very much last week)...and i again ask "why? why would you erase EVERYTHING?"
he answers back "it was a MISTAKE! i meant to erase all of that one show because it was a repeat and i didn't need to watch them. OH WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!"

in the 12+ years of marriage to this man i've never seen him cry. that night was the first night i saw almost actual tears.

we sat in silence for a minute. neither of us wanting to talk. both of us in shock.

i break the silence with a "give me the remote."

head hung low, not even a mutter of complaint he handed over the remote

honestly, it was like Lee surrendering to Grant.

oh and you bet your bottom dollar i don't let him forget it either. like when he was making a hot dog in the microwave. i made sure to add a little "now don't hit delete before you hit start. that won't cook the hot dog."
or like when he starts to complain that i've decided that we are watching our shows first. all i have to say is "um yeah who hit delete? keep your pie hole shut." and we go on our merry way and continue to watch GLEE.

victory is mine.

77 comments:

Burgundy Buttons said...

I LOVE it!

tasha said...

one word. . . hulu

Snappy Di said...

My Hubby even has the remote right next to his fork and knife during dinner! YES!! at the table!!!! I swear I'm going to sew velcro onto all of his pants as well as the remote so he can just have it clinging to him at all times! GAH What is it with men and the stinkin' remote anyway.

LOL
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

The Kings said...

that is freakin hilarious. i'm sitting here yelling at shawn "let me read this to you...guess what christenson did!" he's the same way over the remote. i think it's a guy thing.

Maranda Moore said...

this is hilarious. I am so glad that someone else has the exact same realtionship with their husband! LOVE IT!!

Heather at Happy Chippy Junk said...

Don't you just wonder what the pioneers did?

Cheryl @ a pretty cool life. said...

Oh my.

My husband also needs to have the clicker resting atop his lap (who am I kidding-belly! :) ) at all times. I could care less. It must be a guy thing...

Kacey said...

i love this post more than words can express. :)

shelly said...

We had cable with a DVR for a couple of months. Life has been much more peaceful without cable. Although, we watch most of our shows online, and hubby insists on holding the laptop in his lap (I do wonder if we'll ever be able to have another child... ;) so he can rewind at will when he misses a word. I swear, shows take 50% longer to watch because he insists on repeating sections until he understands EXACTLY what was said or going on at each moment of the show.

Blue Is Bleu said...

Wow. If my husband ever did that, I'd never let him forget either. I already hide the remote from him constantly because every time he gets it, we always end up watching CNN till I threaten divorce.

Katie said...

I can't explain the pure joy and happiness this brings to me.

Not that your shows got deleted but because of the aftermath. Next to me at this very minute is the remote toting man in my life...

I laughed out loud and hysterically during his war documentary just now while reading your post. I received the "what IS wrong with you" look.

Ahh my day is now complete :)

Anonymous said...

That was so funny. We solved the problems with cable remotes by having three of them in our home. So my husband doesn't have control over them!!!

Pamela

Sian said...

Excellent post! We appear to be married to the same guy. I so know that panic when he realises the remote is out of his grasp for a spilt second!!

Heather said...

So funny! I love GLEE too, although my husband won't watch it with me.

Thank goodness for hulu.com, that way you can catch up on all the other stuff.

P.S. I totally would bring it up all the time also. It would be a "joke" for YEARS!

Jan Richards said...

My husband also has the remote fever. We have been married almost 43 years and it is his remote and always has been. I too
defer to this one thing that he has to do all the time. I actually think it is kind of funny. My husband has yet to delete it all, that would be bad.
We have a feature with recently deleted items to redeem you if that happens.

Susie said...

Hiya - I'm pretty new to your blog - I did the sewing tutorial buzz around the internet - anyways, this had me laughing out loud and wiping away tears. SOOO true of my husband!

julie said...

Way, way too funny. I have threatened to bury my husband with the remote up his butt. My luck,he would roll over in his grave and the channel would change.

sharon@lovely bud said...

:)

Natalie at Our Old Southern House said...

love it! and i so can relate.
cooper has the remote at all times. he has to watch an hr every night before the "real shows" start. men!

trish said...

Oh Vanessa! You bring so much entertainment to me and my husband! :o) I have to read these stories out loud and we get such good laughs. :o)
Have a great weekend.
- Trish

Barbara said...

"did you check up your butt?"

spewing coffee all over my powerbook - I know better than to read your blog while drinking my coffee ... I know better !

ROTFL !

Lisa said...

Hahaha! Great story and it made me laugh! Now every time you want the remote you can bring up that story to get what you want! Sometimes I put on my show and then hide to remote by my feet or in my pants so Hubby can't find it and change the channel!

jaybird said...

part of me thinks it is crazy how our lives are so busy we live off of DVR... but i do.. i heart my DVR.. and i can't remember life before it.. and if someone deleted all my shows... oh i'd be so mad too!!

go get your glee rock on girlfriend!!

Jessica said...

I just peed a little reading this. Still laughing. Yep, still. I'm really sorry about all your shows but isn't it worth it to have 100% control over the remote?

Team point for the wives.

Yes, still laughing.

Jennifer D said...

Keepin' it real, like always.
Love it!

I have a theory that the remote is the thing that keeps my husband awake. If I have control of the remote he falls asleep, if he has it he can make it till SNL!

we don't have DVR ability. We are old school. ;-)

Kelly Ann said...

Okay...gotta start using..."keep your pie hole shut"...love it...and btw...I am the queen of the remote, on not one, not two but three DVR's in the house....and before he ask...yes I'm married...

Mindy said...

That was fantastic! Thanks for sharing

Robin (rsislandcrafts) said...

I think most hubbies are the same way, at least mine is. We have all deleted saved shows before. You would think the people who program these devices would realize that we are human and sometimes delete things by mistake. Our old TIVO box would let us un-delete shows but since we upgraded to the new HD box we no longer have that luxury. Frustrating sometimes...

Lisa said...

i'm surprised that you can make such pretty things and be so crass at the same time?!! i can relate on the husband/remote thing but i can't imagine talking to one another like that. i guess we all communicate in our own way though.

Stephanie said...

"pie hole" - haha. That phrase is vastly underused.

V and Co. said...

lisa, if you are new to my blog then i guess i should let you know that my husband and i are real big jokers. and that what most people know about me...that i'm joking.

The Family of Three said...

I should say 'keep your pie hole shut' to my husband and watch his face. Hil-ar-ious!!!! That's all I have to say, great story. My fave!

Katy said...

Have you been secretly recording my family life for this story? I feel that you are telling our story to perfection - the remote war rages on.

Seriously, the Y chromosome must have something in it with a strange magnetic attraction to remotes. I don't think they can help it. I think they are powerless to this biological urge to control the remote at. all. times.

thanks for the Saturday morning laugh.

Selina said...

freaking hilarious! what is it with men and the remote? (my husband is a "flipper"... drives me nuts) super funny!
sisters4saymoreismore.blogspot.com

Rachel Carlson said...

alas, i.am.in.tears. AGAIN. you make me laugh so hard i cry, pee my pants, spit coffee on the keyboard, you name it. FUNNY. cheers to YOUR victory. loves!

Crafty Christina said...

Hilarious! I almost choked on my waffle (yes, I'm eating waffles for lunch, ha).

Great story! Hubby is nearly the same about the remote. If I have the rare chance to use it, he watches it as if I might break it or mistreat it. He can just have it!

Congrats on your victory! You give all womankind hope.

Marie said...

V and J, you crack me up. I am sitting at work laughing my head off and a bunch of people are staring at me. Miss you guys, have a great weekend!!

Cindy said...

Oh my god that was good! Hilarious... thanks for sharing..

Jessica Munk said...

Hilarious!

Sew Create It - Jane said...

LOL - as we would say in our rather geeky household, "Mr. Sulu, you've got the con!" Well Done!!

Crista said...

How funny that we are all married to the same guy!!
I love when he's in a deep sleep, snoring and all, and if I so much as *touch* the remote, his grip tightens on it.
I totally lol'd when you talked about the panic that sets in if his butt hits the seat w/out remote in hand! I lol'd because it's the same way over here.
Thanks for the laugh!

The Smith Family said...

I found your blog through I Am Momma's and I have to tell you...this was the funniest, most REAL piece of writing I have read in a long time! So refreshing!

Jessica said...

This made me laugh soooo hard - thanks for sharing it!

MindyMindy said...

Hahaha! THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!

Ginger_Curls said...

Ha ha ha! That's so funny :) but not funny that you lost all your shows. I love the way you write, it always makes me laugh. Do I remember right that your DH is a marriage guidance counsellor???

V and Co. said...

yup he sure is a marriage therapist.

emily said...

Ok so you are amazingly crafty and creative, but I have to admit it, your blog has made it into the hallowed grounds of Google Reader because you are hilarious. I'd like to think we'd be friends in real life if I lived near you. Don't worry, I don't know where that is so if you hear your doorbell ring tonight, it's not me. :)

Bonnie said...

This is so darn funny. You and Jen are the funniest people I can think of..oh yes and Traci and Laura....I love you guys!

Jenn said...

That is hilarious. I can just picture it happening. So funny!

Nancy @ Live love laugh said...

Yes, it is as if you are looking in my window.....same situation, different husband...
~Nancy

Wendy_MT said...

Oh this was WONDERFUL!! Can totally relate :) The guys at the fie station call the remote "TOD"...tool of domination :) Think my husband brings that mentality home with him. Thank you so much for sharing :) Now hopefully I hit send and not delete . . . . :)

Wendy_MT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TammyP said...

Speaking of tears, I had to read your post through mine!!! I was laughing so hard reading this to my husband!!! Thanks for that good laugh!!!

Bonnie said...

Totally know what you're feeling with the remote. It's a guy thing. Good win!

The Coupon Monkey said...

*LOVE* this! Thank you for making me smile today!

Mary said...

I jockingly call our remote "his girlfriend". He'll get into bed and start shaking the comforter in panic and I'll hand it to him and say, "here's your girlfriend!" to which he'll grunt or mumble something... I think it's a throw back to the cro-magnon times....

Kristen @ Miss Prissy Paige said...

I have this exact same scenario in my house every night. He freaks out about the remote, I save the day by finding it, and he watched HIS shows first! :)

Becky said...

Oh I am soooooo glad we do not have the DVR stuff. It would always be full of WWII and Cops!

How long you think you can milk the "you deleted everything" cow? heehee

russandkatie said...

that was hilarious!

Denissa said...

I love it! :) My remote hogging hubby did the SAME exact thing...grr...

Paula Lynn said...

Bahahaha! My guy for 23 years is a remote control freak too!

And we're big jokers, too. When he aggravates me I place his remote in various places...in the kitchen, in the hall, under his chair, etc. Then, with a totally innocent look, I tell him he musta put it there because he is the only one who uses it. I get "the look" from him with some comments muttered under his breath.

It's so fun! :)

happyhanigan said...

i am laughing so hard- i may just pee my pants! We have had this exact same conversation. when will they learn!

Libby said...

Hahah I love this post. :)

Marci said...

i totally did this...
i erased all the movies and dave's appearance on the 10 o'clock news for a HUGE drug bust that he worked on for weeks.
i feel your pain jake.

Danielle said...

I'm with you. I've watched Nip/Tuck for years. Well, when the series finale came on a few months ago, my husband accidentally deleted it. Now I'll never know how the series ended unless I buy the whole season on dvd...which isn't worth it.

Victoria said...

I may never stop laughing!

Foot Loose and Fancy Free said...

Thanks for offering the giveaway. I hope I win, because I served Hamburger Helper to my hubby tonight so I could surf the giveaways. I need to get out of the dog house. Ha!

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Sandy said...

Vanessa...it's time to learn about hulu.com

Just sayin' :)

Purple Quilter Queen said...

You rock!!! Your life is so a sit-com! Jenn

holly p said...

I'm late in reading this but it's too funny not to comment! I totally just laughed out loud at work.

Kinsey Pistorius said...

just remember you can catch up on all your shows on line - not as comfy as the bed but doable! :)

Tasha said...

Seriously, so funny. Thanks for the good laugh.

Delia said...

Ha ha. You guys are so funny and real and you tell a great story. Hulu is good if you don't mind watching it on your computer. :)

The New Witty's said...

totally love this post! "who hit delete?" way too funny...

alisha said...

GREATNESS!

and...

GLEE!

MamaLiza said...

I'm totally late on reading this...this was too funny! Even my 18 mo. old started laughing along with me. :-D

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