Sunday, October 26, 2008

really good at faking it..

today seemed to be one of the worst days in a long time.

i'm pretty good at faking it...that i have it almost all together...most of the time. but you can only take so much sometimes when you just feel like you're "broken." i know that's no way to talk, but yes i feel broken at this moment. and sometimes a really hard cry is all you can do.
i was selfish and started feeling sorry for myself because my children were acting horrible at church, i started to feel stupid that we were falling apart in front of everyone and i can't even tell you how many nice people asked me if i was okay (which just made me tear up even more), i started feeling angry at myself that i was childish and kept getting pulled in and fight with my 8 year old, i started to feel sorry for myself as i watched everyone with their families get to go home with their spouse to enjoy a lazy sunday afternoon. i started to feel sorry for myself because i had to follow through and tell the 8 year old that yes in fact he was grounded from the PSP, i then continued to feel sorry for myself when he started yelling at me how mean i was and what a horrible mother i was. so yes i broke and i broke hard, and unfortunately i did it in public. ugh at church no less. where people you look up to, respect, and love are...where it's suppose to be a HAPPY place. i was asked to come over to some body's house for dinner, i declined politely "maybe some other time thank you so much for the invitation though." i wanted to add "because i just want to be alone...and cry really hard not this tearing up business that i'm doing here, i'm holding back just for your benefit...when i get home i'm going to let the tears fly!"
so that's what i did. i cried and then i had comfort food: lasagna, and a mint choc chip shake. the 8 year old and i talked...he got angry, but i was too tired so all i could do was cry softly, and tell him all i knew to say "i'm trying my best bud, i really am. i'm trying to do as the Lord has asked me to do, i go to church, i make sure you are okay, and i love you...and sometimes that means i have to teach you by having to put my foot down." and when you go to sleep i'm going to eat some more ice cream and watch a movie that will make me cry but for different reason.

it then occurred to me that i'm allowed to feel overwhelmed, and sorry for myself sometimes because lets face it most of the other times i'm in la-la land and i fill up my day with the daily grind and projects and i fake myself into believing that i'm able to handle it. like i said i fake it really well but i think i do it for a reason...yes it's all for a reason...

1. if i fake it, i then believe it, and then it becomes reality in my mind.
2. if it becomes reality in my mind then i feel stronger.
3. when i feel strong i start thinking things like "i can do this!"
4. when i think "i can do this!" sometimes i find myself really doing it.

but some days it all crashes down on you and you have to wonder...am i ever going to get through this? well yes i do believe that i will...i just got to get back to faking it.

i guess with one day down (even the worst of ones) it's one day closer to having my partner back who's shoulder i can cry on...
damn i miss you.

26 comments:

Marie said...

V~ I wish you could call me! We are always thinking of you. Let me know if I can do anything!!

I'm the Mad-Hatter said...

crying is one of the best gifts god gave us...doesn't it just feel good sometimes to have a good slobbering ugly cry? i'm sorry that you had a bad day....

Rambling Girl said...

Oh I am so sorry you had a rough day. I wish I was there to help cheer you up! Hugs even though we haven't met I still feel there is a closeness with all who I have conetact with in blogland. Wishing your day tomorrow is better. Hugz!
Beth

Kinsey Pistorius said...

We all have hard days and you have plenty on your shoulders for it to just be too overwhelming at times. I am grateful you allow yourself some private moments to release the frustration, sadness and loneliness. Know that your friends are behind you and thinking of you.

Sandy said...

ugh, i've been there, and know how you feel. i hope tomorrow's a better day :)

haley said...

i feel for you!!!!

giddygoat said...

Thanks for being real. So many of these blogs I read are anything but, and they aren't fooling anyone really. I like to know the humans behind these stories, and you are a good one. Love and hugs Vanessa, Amanda

Mindy said...

Let it all out... cry a river, and don't worry if you have to stop faking it for awhile. Everyone will understand! Lots of love and hugs, V!

Karen said...

Hi Vanessa,
I know we've only emailed a few times, but I feel for you right now. I found a quote from Leo Buscaglia that made me think of you.
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

I hope your friends near and far can help you through this. If you need to chat, just email me.
Have a good night,
Karen (RI no blog)
four.way@cox.net

ps. sew a few hexagons together while eating ice cream and tomorrow will be a new day!!

Anita said...

We all have days like that!! Seriously. You DO fake it really well though:) Don't ever forget how awsome you really are Vanessa. I really look up to you.

Letti said...

I am so sorry. You don't know me but I am have been looking at your blog for a while now. I have had days like this before too. But I am so happy that I have tomorrow. Keep up the good work with your children they will appreciate it when they are parents I promise.

The White House said...

Vanessa- I am so sorry. You really are SO brave and SO strong- you are doing great. You are most definitely entitled to break down every once in awhile. A good cry and a good night sleep (I hope you get one of those) can make things look a lot better. You are continually in my thoughts and prayers. Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Miss Jen said...

Hang in there V. One day at a time is all we can do. Deal with today and tomorrow will take care of itself. We pray for you all the time and love you too!

Sal Gal said...

I'm sorry my friend! Wish I could just come give you a hug, bring chocolate, and watch some Jane Austen movies! Love ya!

Holly said...

go ahead and cry. I will eat some ice cream for you.:)

Lisa said...

A good cry is so soothing. I hope that you feel a little better but just remember that no one is expecting perfection from you and you amaze us with all you can do. We are sending happy thoughts and prayers your way!

Mrs. Trixi said...

Oh, I am so sorry!!! I wish there were something I could say or do to make you feel better. However, I can pray that the God of peace can make the time you have left without your hubby better. I will be doing just that!
Oh, and a good cry always seems to make things a little better.
Have a great week!!!

The Oylers said...

Just let it out...you deserve it.

K said...

I think there are lots of us who are really good at faking it (and not so good some days). I like this quote from Paulo Coehlo whne things are rough, "The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times." Sending you some bloggy hugs! Enjoying your blog (I found you on Sew Mama Sew).

Nicole said...

I think around Sacrament meeting time each week I realize I don't have it together like I think I do. I really can't imagine trying to handle 4 kids all on my own, you deserve a really good cry and some really good ice cream. Thanks for letting us all know it's ok to have a crappy day and a good cry, and to just plain loose it. I'm pretty good at just plain loosing it :)

Kristi said...

Hugs to you! I can't pretend I know what it's like to have my spouse gone for so long. I can only imagine how difficult it would be. But I can tell you I completely feel your pain. My husband is the bishop in our ward and I have not had a peaceful Sunday for a year and a half. I cried the whole way home from church yesterday. My kids just don't seem to get it yet and they really should- they're 12, 10 & almost 6. Just know you aren't alone! And I'm glad you found some ice cream!

Rambling Girl said...

So glad your feeling better today! I was thinking of you all last night...to me you seem so real and not those who are fake around the net. You have even inspired me to try and quilt some. So know you are thought of often from many of your blog friends. I really have enjoyed getting to know more about you.

Bonnie said...

Vanessa, you remind me so much of my own mom. She and my dad were married three months before he was drafted after Pearl Harbor. Long story short their first anniversary together was their 6th. She worked around the clock with three jobs just to be able to handle it all. It is good to fill your time up and stay busy. What you are feeling is normal during deployment. Most people don't really have any idea how hard it is. I have watched Laura go through it too and it is pretty awful. But you are one day closer each days. I am going to make another comment I am so long winded!

Bonnie said...

Hi me again. One other thing I have learned since I had my hysterectomy 10 years ago. Once your hormones levels settle down you can really see how much influence they really have on you. I was totally shocked by how even I became after that. No more ups and downs, PMS. etc. I don't hold anyone totally accountable for everything they do with the raging hormones of young womanhood. So cry all you need to, anytime you need to.

Sandy said...

I didnt' see this post until you'd posted the next one...I'm glad things are going better - I've had "moments" in SacMtg., too, except my husband was there - on the stand - to witness the whole meltdown personally. You're much tougher than me:) I think you underestimate yourself - "faking" it is what happens when you're lying. You may not feel as super as the front you put up somedays, but the fact that you're putting your best foot forward and filling your days with meaningful activities shows that its YOU, not an elaborate fakery for everyone else's benefit. I'm sure there are a lot of military husbands that wish they had wives who tried as hard as you do while they're gone.

Brit said...

I stumbled on your blog (TipJunkie to someone who had posted about your Halloweeen crafts and onto yours). After looking at your blog a bt with all yor wonderful crafting ability, I saw the post your husband left for you. I can't tell you how much it helped my aching heart as my husband is in Baghdad right now. I am counting the days til he comes home (well, as best as I can as we don't have an actual return date yet) and I know the feeling of "yeah, I'm totally fine" as tears are about to take the plunge. I have definitely learned the importance of staying busy, so keep busy and stay strong!

Oh, and please don't think I am some crazy stalker, just another sister in the Church and Military.

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