today seemed to be one of the worst days in a long time.
i'm pretty good at faking it...that i have it almost all together...most of the time. but you can only take so much sometimes when you just feel like you're "broken." i know that's no way to talk, but yes i feel broken at this moment. and sometimes a really hard cry is all you can do.
i was selfish and started feeling sorry for myself because my children were acting horrible at church, i started to feel stupid that we were falling apart in front of everyone and i can't even tell you how many nice people asked me if i was okay (which just made me tear up even more), i started feeling angry at myself that i was childish and kept getting pulled in and fight with my 8 year old, i started to feel sorry for myself as i watched everyone with their families get to go home with their spouse to enjoy a lazy sunday afternoon. i started to feel sorry for myself because i had to follow through and tell the 8 year old that yes in fact he was grounded from the PSP, i then continued to feel sorry for myself when he started yelling at me how mean i was and what a horrible mother i was. so yes i broke and i broke hard, and unfortunately i did it in public. ugh at church no less. where people you look up to, respect, and love are...where it's suppose to be a HAPPY place. i was asked to come over to some body's house for dinner, i declined politely "maybe some other time thank you so much for the invitation though." i wanted to add "because i just want to be alone...and cry really hard not this tearing up business that i'm doing here, i'm holding back just for your benefit...when i get home i'm going to let the tears fly!"
so that's what i did. i cried and then i had comfort food: lasagna, and a mint choc chip shake. the 8 year old and i talked...he got angry, but i was too tired so all i could do was cry softly, and tell him all i knew to say "i'm trying my best bud, i really am. i'm trying to do as the Lord has asked me to do, i go to church, i make sure you are okay, and i love you...and sometimes that means i have to teach you by having to put my foot down." and when you go to sleep i'm going to eat some more ice cream and watch a movie that will make me cry but for different reason.
it then occurred to me that i'm allowed to feel overwhelmed, and sorry for myself sometimes because lets face it most of the other times i'm in la-la land and i fill up my day with the daily grind and projects and i fake myself into believing that i'm able to handle it. like i said i fake it really well but i think i do it for a reason...yes it's all for a reason...
1. if i fake it, i then believe it, and then it becomes reality in my mind.
2. if it becomes reality in my mind then i feel stronger.
3. when i feel strong i start thinking things like "i can do this!"
4. when i think "i can do this!" sometimes i find myself really doing it.
but some days it all crashes down on you and you have to wonder...am i ever going to get through this? well yes i do believe that i will...i just got to get back to faking it.
i guess with one day down (even the worst of ones) it's one day closer to having my partner back who's shoulder i can cry on...
damn i miss you.